Me VS Myself VS I- A Conversation With Myself

There comes a time in every person’s life when he or she gets to that proverbial crossroads- where you can decide to go one way in your life or another. This is the time when one decides what kind of person they want to be, and it’s the time when one chooses the direction they want to follow- one that will lead to happiness, or one that will lead to destruction.

I believe that I am at the crossroads, right now, at this very moment. There is an internal struggle inside of me right now that will shape who I am for the rest of my life. Scary thought, huh? Imagine living it. I’ve spent the past two years purposefully experiencing things, for the sake of the experience. I broke up with my girlfriend of four years (or she broke up with me- I honestly don’t remember) to see what life would be like as a single twenty-something. I drank excessively, knowing full well that I was genetically predisposed to be more susceptible to alcoholism. I tried marijuana once or twice. I stopped actively practicing my faith, for the most part. I met a lot of weird, crazy, beautiful amazing people. I had sex with a lot of women. I spent a lot of money on things I didn’t need, without worrying about budgets or money-management or any of that boring stuff that “adults” think about.

I did a lot of stuff and had some memorable times. But a lot of those decisions that I made at the moment, had a lasting effect on me. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, the past two years especially. I’ve been in jail, I’ve gotten two DUI’s, I’ve been falsely accused of getting a girl pregnant (which is a whole ‘nother story entirely) and I’ve alienated many of the people who I care most about. I’ve lived a crazy, irresponsible life for the past two years and I realize now that it’s time for me to make a decision about where I want to go in life. Do I want to continue down this road to nowhere or do I want to become again the person I was meant to be? Like I said, it’s an inner struggle between who I want to be and who I’ve been. Because of this, I decided to react the only way I really know how- by writing it down. The following conversation is basically verbatim the conversation that is going on in my head.

Old Nick: Heyyyy! Whattup dude?
New Nick: Um, hey.
ON: What are you doin, bro?
NN: I’m writing an article about how big of a douche you are.
ON: What? I’m a douche? I’m awesome, man. You’re a douche. And your article is boring. Why don’t you go back to what you’re good at and write about your sex life some more?
NN: Well, first of all, because for the first time in a long time, my mind isn’t revolving around sex with emotionally unstable girls.
ON: Mmm. Sex.
NN: Focus. Also, I want to write about something that matters. As funny as some of my sex stories are, nobody really cares about them. I want to write something that may actually matter to someone.
ON: Remember that time you had sex with a girl in your car five minutes after meeting her?
NN: Are you even paying attention right now?
ON: Nope.
NN: Will you try?
ON: K.
NN: Look at yourself man. You’re 24 years old. Your friends have careers, and wives, and kids, and mortgages. You’ve barely moved out of your dad’s house, you’re on extremely thin ice with your job, the one job you’ve actually loved in your life; you’ve spent more money than you’ve actually made, your credit score lower than the IQ’s of many of the girls you’ve slept with. You’re almost 25 years old and you have nothing to show for it.
ON: Fine, dick. I’ve made some mistakes. But doesn’t everybody? I’ve had a lot of fun. I’ve met a lot of really cool people. I’ve got some really cool clothes.
NN: Yes, you’ve met some cool people. Some of whom have become your best friends in the world. But you could have done that without doing some of the other things you have.
ON: I haven’t even really done anything that bad! Yes, I’ve drank a lot. Yes, I’ve had lots of sex with lots of women. That’s not called making mistakes, it’s called your twenties.
NN: Well now, you’re about halfway through your twenties, and it’s time you decide if you want to keep going down this road.
ON: Of course I do! I get so much material every time I go out to a bar. I’m going to be a writer, and what better way to research human behavior than by going out and watching it?
NN: Good point, but you can observe people in other places as well. And you don’t need to drink every time you go out to a bar.
ON: Well what’s the fun in that?
NN: You probably don’t even remember the observations you have the next morning, because you become so focused on drinking.
ON: Your mom’s focused on drinking.
NN:…….
ON: Oh. Um. Yeah. Bad joke.
NN: Yeah.
ON: My point is, I have fun. Life is about having fun. It’s about living for the moment. It’s like that douchey new phrase that slutty high school girls tell each other to justify how slutty they are- YOLO.
NN: Yeah, you only live once. So wouldn’t you rather experience things that actually matter, that can actually mean something, instead of just drinking and sleeping around?
ON: God, you sound like my dad. Or your dad. Or whatever.
NN: Yeah, I do. Because for the first time in a long time, I’m actually listening to him. And I’m listening to other people that are important to me. These are the people that actually matter to me- friends, family. I’m sick of hearing that I have all the potential in the world to do great things. Now I want to start actually doing them. And I want that for you, too.
ON: So, what? You’re just gonna stop cold turkey? You’re gonna stop drinking? You’re gonna stop having sex?
NN: Well, yes. It will be a hard transition but I can do it. And I’ve got people in my life that will help me. Plus, it helps that very shortly it will actually illegal for me to drink. That’s what happens when you get DUI’s in less than six months.
ON: You weren’t THAT drunk.
NN: Says the guy who gets in a car and kills a family of four.
ON: Yeah, that was bad. I was dumb. But it could have been a lot worse.
NN: Yes, it could have been. That’s my point. How many more chances do you think you’ll get before it becomes a lot worse? The bottom line, Nick, is that you need to decide what you want to do, who you want to be. Do you want to be the Tucker Max-lite asshole guy that’s good for a story, a laugh, and less than seven minutes (on your best day) of sex? Or do you want to be the guy that you used to be and that you can be again? The guy that makes people smile, the guy that would do anything for anybody, the guy who cares about people for who they are, not for what they can do for you. Do you want to be the guy that people are proud to know, because I do.
I do.