I don’t claim to know everything there is to know about women..Ok, I do. But I don’t actually know everything about women. I do know a lot though. This is because I’ve met, spoken to, studied, observed, and slept with enough women to at least have a little insight into the female psyche. While I’m no expert (and those who tell you they are, are liars), I do know enough to guess certain types of behavior. Because of this, I know things to say, do, and lie about in order to acquire and maintain the attention of a woman. This was awesome when I was on the dating scene. I would get to meet a lot of different girls and find out even more about what makes a chick tick. But then, something happened; something I never thought possible- I got a girlfriend.

Believe me, I didn’t think this was possible. The last time I dated a girl, we were gonna get married, have four kids, live happily-ever-after, etc. Yeah, that didn’t happen. So I’m just as surprised as you are to actually have a girlfriend again. The problem is, I really like meeting women. I like putting in work to make an impression on a girl. I like the satisfaction of knowing that I control her, like she’s the puppet and I’m the puppeteer (no, doctor. I don’t have narcissistic sociopathic delusions). It seemed like a shame to give up my powers, so I resigned myself to the next best thing- I would become the greatest wingman in the history of wing’d men.

Not only that, I would write down my observations for all the world to see. I would create a world in which men and women could coexist; meeting each other, going on dates, making sex. I would turn this town into my own personal snow globe, ready to be shaken at my every whim. I would create, observe and report. And I would call my report

Confessions Of A Wing Man

 

The first recorded night of being a wingman took place many years ago. I was in the midst of my first real relationship and I was hanging out with my cousin, who also happens to be one of my best friends in the world. I was also hanging out with one of my closest female friends. Now, had I not been dating someone, I would have spent many days and nights trying to swoon this girl. She was one of my best friends, but she was also crazy hot. I decided that, because I was otherwise engaged (which was totally completely the only reason we would never get together-despite what she would tell you), I would introduce her to my equally good-looking cousin.

I brought him to a church event with me, knowing they would strike up conversation. They did and that was half the battle. Fast forward to a week later- I invited both of them out to dinner with a few other friends. I made sure they sat across from each other, in order to maximize conversation. They spent the whole dinner talking to each other, laughing, and stealing glances from the other. I smiled to myself and focused on my pizza.

We all ended up hanging out later that night at the one place that young people who aren’t yet 21 hang out at- Wal Mart. I watched them hide from each other in rows of clothes, throw frozen peas at each other and race each other on children’s bicycles. I knew at that moment that they were destined to be together forever.

They were. They got married in the summer of 2011. I was the best man. It was then that I realized how powerful of a wingman I actually am. It was the beginning of my newest career, and just as Cousin and HotWife were destined to be together, I too was destined to fulfill my destiny- I would become the greatest wingman of all time.