When I first saw the trailer for Magic Mike, I was intrigued. Not because I’m particularly attracted to Channing Tatum or Matthew Mchoweveryouspell it. I’m not. I was intrigued because it was a movie that was strictly made for the titillation of women. And you know what? I’m cool with that. Ladies need a little eye candy once in a while too. I have yet to see the movie, and I doubt I will. Not because I have any strict moral opposition to it, just because I’m not really into dudes…Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But! That being said, I think most guys have a list of celebrity guys that they would have a “bromance” with. This is my list.

#5- Chris Sarandon

Younger readers probably have no idea who this man is. This is unfortunate. Chris Sarandon is one of the most charismatic, mysterious, seductive men in cinema history. I need only to point to the 1985 cult-classic ‘Fright Night’ as an example. In it, Sarandon plays a vampire that moves in next door to a kid. It’s a simple premise, but it comprises one of my most favorite movies ever. Much of the reason is Sarandon’s portrayal. He took everything that was good about Dracula, the seduction, the manipulation,  the charm,  and turned it up a notch or two. I watched this movie for the first time with my then-girlfriend, and this was the first time (definitely not the last) that she questioned my heterosexuality.

#4- Tim Curry

Evidently, I have a thing for sexually-ambiguous cult-classic movie stars. Naturally, when you think of cult movies, you think of Rocky Horror Picture Show. This movie centers on a newlywed couple who take up residence for the night in an old mansion. The problem, however, is that the mansion is inhabited by a Sweet Transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania. The transvestite in question is Dr. Frank N’ Furter, played by Tim Curry. This was the role that made Curry a star. Clad in only stockings and a corset for most of the movie, Tim Curry instantly enamored himself to generations of people by playing the seductive, manipulative, yet quite charming Dr. In the movie, he seduced both the husband and his wife, along with his newly-created ‘boy-toy’. He also seduced a generation of socially awkward, geeky, movie-nerds. He made them realize that it was ok to be themselves. It was ok to be weird, to be awkward, to be whoever it was they wanted to be. He told his audience “don’t dream it, be it.’ I loved the attitude that Curry had as Dr. Frank N’ Furter, and I have to admit that part of me was very much charmed by Tim Curry’s antics.

#3- Robert Downey Jr.

I never really paid much attention to RDJ before Iron Man came out( no pun intended, given the nature of this article). But as a self-professed superhero aficionado, there was no way in hell I wasn’t going to see Iron Man. Much to my surprise, I was drawn to the screen, not because of all of the cool things Iron Man was doing, but because Robert Downey Jr. had a screen presence that I had never seen before. He was brash. He was arrogant. He was confident. And yes, he was super good looking, in a totally hetero kind of way. I quickly logged onto my Netflix account and tracked down every Robert Downey Jr. movie ever. From Less than Zero, to Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, to Gothika- I watched them all. And as I did, I found myself being more and more drawn to the aura that Robert Downey Jr. possessed. There was just something about him that intrigued me more than anyone else ever has. It’s not like I wanted to bang him or anything. But I did want to know him. In fact, I wanted to be him…that doesn’t sound creepy does it?

#2- Gerard Butler

I have a confession to make- I may be the biggest Gerard Butler fan ever. Forget the millions of girls who fell in love with him in PS. I Love You- I’m his biggest fan. He exudes machismo like no one else I have ever seen. I saw Butler first in Phantom of the Opera and thought he was an incredible singer. Then I saw him in PS. I Love You and thought he was charming and super good looking. Then I saw him in The Ugly Truth and he became my idol. I loved him in this movie so much, that I blatantly stole his gimmick from that movie and made it my own, on this very website. That was the movie that really made me take notice of Gerard Butler. He’s everything as a man that I wish I could be, that I try to be, and that I  ultimately fail at. He’s good looking. He’s charming. He’s honest. He’s confident. He has sex with Katherine Heigl. These are all things that I want for myself. I’ll probably never get them, but that’s ok as long as I can live vicariously through Mr. Butler. Also, I would like to have his abs as well.

#1a- Johnny Depp

This was the man who was my first ‘Bro-Crush.’ Johnny Depp, man. Can you get any cooler? This man is solely responsible for the way I dress, the way I walk, the way I accessorize, the way I pretty much do anything. Johnny Depp is the best looking guy I have ever seen. His demeanor makes him even more attractive (no homo). There is something about Johnny Depp that instantly draws people to him. He is truly the definition of a Hollywood Rock Star. He is the reason I wear vests, and bracelets, and necklaces and hats and scarves and v necks. Granted, he looks a lot better in them than I do, but once in a while I’ll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and see a glimpse of Jack Sparrow himself. I still haven’t brought myself to wear eyeliner, but who knows? Maybe one Saturday night I’ll be feeling sexy and dangerous and decide to give it a go.

#1b- Neil Patrick Harris

I have an unhealthy obsession with Neil Patrick Harris. Wait, let me rephrase. I have an unhealthy obsession with Barney Stinson, who is played by Neil Patrick Harris on the show How I Met Your Mother. I came across this show fairly recently, but I’ve barely left my Netflix account since. Barney Stinson is who I aim to be. I came across this show because a friend of mine compared me to him, knowing how narcissistic I am. Because of this, I checked it out and immediately fell in love with it. Barney Stinson is the ladies man of all ladies men. His tricks, his lines, his suits- they’re all…inspiring. Every time I go out, or meet a girl, or am around my friend’s girlfriends/ex-girlfriends/sisters/moms, I ask myself the age old question- What Would Barney Do?

Ok, reading all of that back, it would be easy to assume that I am…um…not super heterosexual (not that there’s anything wrong with that). In order to rectify that, I am going to include a list of my top 5 girl celebrity crushes.

#5- Katy Perry

She has a fun, snarky, free-spirit attitude, gorgeous eyes, an amazing voice, and gravity-defying boobs. Katy Perry should be on any Top-5 Celebrity Crushes List.

#4- Emmy Rossum

I had a crush on Emmy Rossum since the 90’s. Then she was in Phantom of the Opera, and she sang to me, and I fell in love with her. Then she was in a show on Showtime, and I saw her naked, and didn’t leave my room for a week.

#3- Kate Upton

This Sports Illustrated cover-girl model burst onto the scene about a year ago, and I haven’t been able to take my eyes off her since. Maybe it’s because of her child-like smile. Maybe it’s because of her seductive eyes. Maybe (probably) it’s because her natural boobs are so big, they don’t even make sense to me. Regardless, Kate Upton is one of the most gorgeous creatures that has ever been given to this world.

#2- Kat Dennings

When I first saw Nick and Norah’s infinite Playlist, I fell for Kat Dennings a little bit. Her gorgeous eyes, gregarious self-deprecating attitude, and enormous boobs instantly caught my attention (if you haven’t been able to tell, I’m a total boob guy). Then she had some pictures leak onto the internet, and I didn’t leave my room for another week. Now she’s on TV every week, and my social life has taken a hit because I rarely leave my house.

#1- Zooey Deschanel

This girl is my dream girl. She is the definition of my “type.” She’s funny, talented, smart, and absolutely beautiful. Her long black hair, big blueish greenish eyes, petite body, and infectious smile make up the girl of my dreams. I even had a brief fling, that turned into a lifelong friendship with a girl that started just because she reminded of Zooey Deschanel. The girl I marry is going to be an almost exact replica of Zooey Deschanel. I will settle for nothing less.