Top 5 Things I’ve Learned From Jersey Shore [VIDEO]
I love Jersey Shore. I'm not even sure why. Most of them annoy me at best, and make me want to stab them in the throat at worst(I'm looking at you Deena). Yet, for some reason I cannot look away. Perhaps this has something to do with the way Snooki's cleavage somehow defies the law of physics...and gravity. Perhaps it's because I keep waiting (five seasons and counting now) for someone to just f*cking punch The Situation in the face. Whatever the reason, I love Jersey Shore. And now that we are in the midst of Season 5, I thought, "what better reason to divulge the 5 things Jersey Shore has taught me?" With that in mind...
#5 When in Doubt, Knock Yourself Out
I had always heard, that if you're about to get your ass kicked, the best possible thing you could do is "go crazy." Now, I've never had to actually use this defense mechanism, because I'm an adult and I use my words. But I did have to chuckle when I saw Mike 'The Situation' use this technique right before he was about to get killed by Ronnie. Let's get this straight- Mike isn't "tough." He's not a "badass." He's not "crazy." He was scared because he knew he was about to get beaten up, so he did it himself to save what little "pride" he may have had.
#4 If People Don't Like You, Get Punched in the Face
Wayyyy back in Season 1, Snooki was not the troll-faced, pumpkin-chested young girl that everyone loved. Oh no. She was the troll-faced, pumpkin-chested young girl that people didn't really like. You see, before Sammie, even before Angelina, became the girl that we all loved to hate, Snooki was headed down that road. She was a drunk, obnoxious meatball, and most of the cast were already annoyed with her by the first day. Then a dude punched her in the face, and suddenly, she became everyone's little sister (that Vinny and Mike both still smooshed).
#3 Instead of Breaking Up, Just Move her Furniture
Once Season 2 of The Shore hit, people were all up in arms about the dramedy that was Ronnie and Sammie's relationship. Did he cheat? Did she? How many times did they? They were the on-again/off-again/on-again/off-again couple for three seasons. And every time a fight would happen, instead of, ya know, talking about it (or breaking up), they would just move each other's furniture onto the patio. Let this be a lesson to you, children. If you can't stand your girlfriend anymore, don't break up with her. Just sneak into her house, take her bed, and put it on her front lawn.
#2 If You Have a Jacuzzi At Your House, You WILL Have Sex
This one is pretty self explanatory. Guys all over the world struggle with how to "seal the deal," so to speak. They use lines, guitars, false promises, and roofies. But they don't need any of that! All they need is a hot tub at their house. You meet a girl, say "hey, wanna come hot tub at my house," then bada-bing bada-boom, you're smushing. And tomorrow, you'll have another notch on your belt, and she'll have even less self-respect.
#1 If You GTL, She'll Be DTF
Gym. Tan. Laundry. That's what you need to get a girl who is DTF. You need muscles, you need a tan, and you need to have clean clothes, for when it's T-shirt time. If you follow these rules religiously, you should have no problem bringing a girl home from Shore-side. It also helps if you have a nice haircut, some tattoos, a rosary necklace, and, as previously mentioned, a jacuzzi. Watching Jersey Shore has helped me immensely with my love life, and I can only hope that this guide will do the same for you.