We read Star, the National Enquirer, Us Weekly, the Globe and In Touch this week -- so you didn't have to.

Along the way, we learned Jennifer Aniston is back in therapy over Brad, Prince Harry went on a 15-hour party bender, Britney Spears is headed back to a mental ward, Kate Middleton is hiding her baby bump, the Kardashians just realized their mother is a monster, and a whole lot more.

  • Star


    Star magazine’s plot has thickened in the dirty Kris and Bruce Jenner divorce business. There was some sort of bombshell and Kris admitted to cheating. Which couldn’t have been the bombshell because we’ve seen Bruce and, ummm, yeah. Also, she “never loved” him and he says she wasted his fortune. Really, also not bombshells.

    You know what’s an even bigger deal? Jennifer Aniston is back in therapy over Brad Pitt. Because she found a time machine and went back to those two weeks in 2005. The good news is she grabbed her old sunglasses – the ones you were finally able to afford seven years later – and they’re coming back in style.

    Meanwhile, Taylor Swift is in tears over being a laughingstock. As if we didn’t know that was already happening. But let’s just hope nobody ever finds her that funny because we really couldn’t handle Chelsea Handler, Whitney Cummings and Taylor Swift having talk shows.

    Oh, and we’re not done yet. There’s exclusive news of Nicki Minaj’s boyfriend paying a porn star for sex. Which means he finally got tired of banging the living embodiment of an acid trip for free.

  • National Enquirer

    Everything thing became clear in the National Enquirer. Hollywood moms are out of control. Seemingly sane women like Kelly Ripa and Heather Locklear have been making wild gestures and strange faces. Moody attention junkies like Kris Jenner and Courtney Love have been pointing and looking!

    Some out-of-control moms even dare to look awful in their mug shots – which has to be a cry for help. And don’t even get us started about Lisa Marie Presley running her fingers through her own hair.

    Also, we had to sit down before reading that Britney Spears was headed back to a mental ward. Of course, we’re pretty sure she thinks Mental Ward is a trendy store on Sunset Boulevard.

    But here's one person who won’t be shopping at any trendy stores: Someone found out former ‘Eight is Enough’ star Susan Richardson is living in a rotting trailer. She has no teeth, no money and has fallen so far that when asked about her teeth and money she agreed that eight was plenty, thanks.

    In other news, Whitney Houston’s mom is so out of control that she’s been hiding Whitney’s gay lies. But apparently she's not very good at it, because she admitted them as soon as the National Enquirer made them up and said she did.

  • Us Weekly

    Us Weekly found out that Bethenny Frankel is easily surprised. Her ex-husband wants her money and plans to get it in the form of child support by taking custody of their little girl. She could totally see it coming, but a chemical imbalance causes her to startle easily.

    Also, Prince Harry went on a 15 hour party bender. We looked at every page of the magazine and found no information on how to get invited to one of these.

    We did, however, find out that Miranda Lambert is going to fight for her marriage. Her publicist says it will involve a cage and maybe The Rock if we’re lucky. Pay per view sales have skyrocketed.

    Both Kate Middleton and Kim Kardashian have baby bumps. The Duchess of Cambridge is hiding hers behind Kim’s and Kim is hiding hers behind her enormous ego. Where it'll be safe and sound.

    Oh, and in a moment of being an actual person, Jane Seymour went to the store without makeup. She must really be a medicine woman because – damn – that woman looks awesome.

  • Globe

    Always excited to print good news, the Globe tells us that after Bill Clinton made a tearful, dying plea, wife Hillary called off their $120 million divorce. Seems Bill used math and logic to talk her into only making him pay her $10 million every time he wants to cheat. What we're saying is she should have her $120 million by next week.

    If you thought the Super Bowl power outage was shocking, you haven’t seen anything yet. There's a new Ray Lewis murder bombshell. So maybe he's the one who killed the lights.

    Sidney Poitier had a horrific fall and then some tragic last days. Since Poitier is still with us and doing fine, we assume that at the Globe offices, they added a new day of the week called Lastday and Poitier has spent a few of those under the weather.

    But if he hadn’t been, he could possibly have joined President Obama as he got drunk on power at a celeb champagne party. Power: It’s the new gateway character trait. Everyone’s hoping Lindsay Lohan doesn’t somehow get a hold of it, because it would only be a matter of time before she found a way to crush and smoke it.

  • In Touch

    After reading Robert Kardashian’s journals from beyond the grave, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardshian have figured out that mom Kris Jenner is a monster. They needed a dead guy's diary for that? The brains are strong with these ones.

    Jessica Simpson can’t relax and work on her baby bump because fiancé Eric Johnson’s ex-wife has a juicy tell-all book in the works. She’s been on the phone for a week trying to arrange to have someone read it to her when it’s released.

    Bradley Cooper was dumped by a model. And now we know that everything we ever thought about the cognitive abilities of models must be true.

    Some stars have ditched their diets and taken to eating in public like mere mortals, even though everyone knows calories eaten front of other people are, like, twice as bad.

    Finally, David Arquette took his cab driver to dinner. And he's a big spender. In fact, the line at the In and Out Burger drive-thru was so short, they went through three times.