God Made a Club DJ [PARODY]

God looked down on the dance floor he created and said, "I need some music for this world I have made"; and so,

God Made a Club DJ...

God said, "I need someone ready to stay up after dawn and blend the music together,
tell people to tip the bar staff, play the Cupid Shuffle again, and then go to town and stay past midnight at the after hours warehouse party";

So God Made a Club DJ...

"I need someone with strong arms, strong enough to carry Road Ready cases,
but gentle enough to brush the turntable needle off with your fingertips;
Somebody to call the security, tame cantankerous douche bags in Affliction t-shirts,
come home hungry and have to wait for lunch until the drive-thru lady is done
entertaining 5-layer burritos, and then tell the people "That will be $2.97 at the first window, pull through", and mean it, and so

So God Made a Club DJ...

God said, "I need somebody to sit up all night with a soundboard roadie and watch it pass out in the green room; then dry his eyes and say, maybe next sound check". I need someone to be able to match beats with or without a stage monitor, and mix them even when you can't see the waveforms on the screen; make an emergency microphone out of a pair of headphones, RCA and 1/4 inch; who at party time and peak hour will finish his 90 minute set by an extra 10 minutes into the headliners set, then misplace the headliners hard drive somewhere in the booth, put in another 30.

So God Made a Club DJ...

God had to have someone to ride the BPM's at double speed (even though the software reads 77 BPM), to get the song in ahead of the request, and yet stop in mid field to switch to '90s hip hop when he sees the first dancer complain about dubstep;

So God Made a Club DJ...

God said "I need somebody strong enough to carry strobe lights and heave bassbins, and yet gentle enough to tame demanding bachelorettes, wean lushes and tend the pink combed drag queens; who will stop his downloading of bit torrent remixes for an hour to calibrate his tone arm on the broken leg of a discontinued Technics 1200mk2 turntable;"

So God Made a Club DJ....

It had to be someone who would plow deep into the classics and straight into the mainstream and not cut corners on the experimental; Somebody to mix and scratch, cut and crab, gain and limit and reverb and flange; mash up the accapella and crossfade the track and replenish the hard drive folders and finish a hard day's work with a five mile drive to Guitar Center.
Somebody who would gather a group of people together with the euphoric, strong bonds of sharing, who would laugh and then sing, and then reply with smiling eyes when his crowd says "Let's dance."

So God Made a Club DJ...

Written by: Aaron "Tallest DJ in America" Traylor

See the popular Super Bowl ad that inspired this poem: